I'm adding some new things to my website. Actually just more writing avenues. Something that will keep me writing even when I'm not in that mode because of a sudden change or whatever has me not in the mood to write. So I decided to just to keep a journal of different parts of my life. I love writing and sometimes real life, or a real life story can jump start your excitement in continuing a novel or reignite that engine to get you back on the clock so to speak.
Journals are sometime semi-private but I'm going to document every feeling or thought that come across my mind when I open this journal.
Whelp I don't have much left to say in here. I'm wondering if it's partly because I'm becoming tired and I know that I have 2 other journals that I want to start or if my mind is just now becoming empty. I guess this is thing that I will never know. So on that note, I will catch you in the other journal.
I didn't really do anything all day but watch TV and did a little cleaning. Now it's late night and I haven't worked on anything that I really wanted to work on. I never really realized how hard this shit was to stay focused. I wonder if it's because I'm not in my element. Maybe late night is the time I really shine. Maybe I'm really at my best around this time.
Nothing special really happened today so there is really nothing to journal. No creative thoughts, nothing written to this point, and nothing is on my brain to place here. So I won't make this any longer than it needs to be. So on that note, I'll catch you next time. Maybe in another journal or another time in this journal.
I'm here at work with the urge to write, finally. My thoughts for today is that I always had an infinity for being a gangsta.Well I actually don't care about the title of being a gangsta but more of the feeling of just being my own man. I was made for it. Now I know you're probably thinking about crime and shit and I guess partly crime is involved a little bit. But it's more about being free from society, people, thoughts, and whatever else this world forces you to conform with.
On second thought gangsta is a little beneath what I'm trying to feel like. I don't want to worry about house, cars, love, kids, money, relationships, feelings, status, or anyone of that shit! I just want to be a spirit and go wherever I want to go. I feel like writing a poem. So I'll end this post on that note.
I made an important decision today while I was on my way to work. I've decided not to continue my work on writing novels. Just for the time being. I will put all my focus on building this website. I want to of course add more content, also improve the aesthetics of the website, and add different types of content. Another thing that I will add is I can provide a few services for anyone who wants to have any type of writings published. I will provide more details once I have it drawn up.
The other thing that I am changing is my focus on working for a company. I've decided to only give myself 3 years. This will increase my intensity on making my dreams come true.
I only have one more thing to say or write. I'm thinking of doing some type of other media projects and include them on this site. #ScriptedImagery
I had a wide range of emotions on this day. I was in court with my daughter's mother and she proceeded to lie to them again after I conceded the parenting schedule. This really shouldn't infuriated me but it did. I can't wait till my daughter turns 18. I believe this is the only time I will be able to start to move on from having the memory of bull shit.
I probably won't change my number since I reunited with an old friend. She has my number memorized because, I guess, she can't have it in her phone. So that lying as Cancer will be blocked. She probably will be blocked before my daughter's birthday.
God I really needed to get that off my chest. I feel somewhat better just putting it down. Time will tick slow, but I will focus most of my energy focusing on my future and not worrying about anything else.
I hate definitions, yet I define everything. I hate following rules, yet I set rules to follow. I wanted to be free when I created this section yet, I feel constraint on following a set of rules that I set for this journal.
I wonder why I fight myself on a daily basis. Why do I struggle against my nature? Why do I allow myself to be controlled by such menial things? I wonder if it's some deep down need to fit in society. Or is it the need for people to love what I do? Whatever it is I wish it would stop.
This is my personal journal to express things that happens to me on a daily basis but it seems more a place where I get therapy. Not that I need therapy but I feel like I'm actually talking to someone when I'm in this part of my journal. My daily thoughts. Thoughts I only enter when I have time to actually put something in here or have something to put in here.
I'll leave those who are actually reading my journal. Do not let yourself cage yourself. Unless you realize that caging yourself will not cause harm to others. Then please cage yourself. Trust me I understand the need to release the kracken. Yea I really just wrote that. But for real, be free but not free enough to cage others with your choices.
I just finished writing a story and had a little more time left to write. I could of written in my lustful journal, I'm feeling mighty lustful right now. However, I'm deciding to write in here, to really get my mind off of the sexually provocative subjects. I'm not sure why my hormones are strong on this day, but they really are and I'm thinking about one person in particular. I will not mention her name. Not yet, I'm not quite comfortable with you yet. Actually, the more I think about this site and what I've been doing in here, I find it extremely hard, or I'm finding myself tend to restrict things now more than ever. At first I was gungho telling all my little secrets that many people already know, I'm just not at that point where I can comfortably say exactly how and what I feel.
I'm glad I was able to get that off my chest. I know, you say be free, but a person like me will never be free. I think different than society does. My mind is not of the norm, and a psychologist might say I have some type of personality disorder. I'm not ready for those types of realizations. I'm not ready to be boxed into some category that all people tend to do. I want to be everything and everybody. I don't want restrictions. I don't people saying because he's in this box it's not possible for him to be in another box. I have the ability! Even if books and past history of other people say it's not so. I've witness all my life the abnormalities of things. So I know all things are possible. I've been a counselor and reached people that people thought that could not be reached. I've done the impossible and have seen the impossible.
I guess I'll conclude this part of the journal, one because my time for writing is almost over, and two this is a journal and I could end it anyway I want to. Part of the reasons I implemented the journals onto this site. I just love writing and I love sharing, and I love dreaming, and I can do all that in a simple journal. No title, just a date and a time.
Yesterday was my birthday, marking my 41st year on this earth. If I was to evaluate those years, I would say that it was largely unsuccessful. I'm hoping to change that but I feel stuck at the current moment. I want to do shows and all sorts of entertainment but when it came down to writing those shows, I immediately lost faith. Maybe I'm just not complete sure about the players (actors and actress)in these shows or even how to go about finding them. Maybe fear just struck again and I am unable to place my ideas on paper. Maybe right now I should just focus on short stories and these blogs/journals.
The crazy part is I have a lot of ideas. I can see the visions in my head. Right now I'm just unable to place them on paper. I wonder if the reason is, once I do it, it becomes real. At the moment I just shrugg my shoulders and move the f#?! on.
My plans now on this day is really to focus on writing until I build enough strength and courage up to finally put that final piece in. There's a few books I need to publish.
To continue the theme of my many birthday presents (untangible). Guess what I received yesterday. My motherfreaking childsupport letter stating that the only thing I will be paying is my arrears of $120.00 per month. Do you know how I excited I got when I read those letters. Here I was thinking they were going to suspend my license or some shit.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. In a way, I kind of feel bad, because this is something that is going to be unexpected by her. I'm actually proud of myself. I remained true, didn't do anything out of spite and paid my child support faithfully. It was her who kept up the lies. And it was her who continued the lies.
This is good news for me though. I will be able to get on my feet as well as put more resources into my business. This will be good for me as long as I remain true to myself and my beliefs. And of course my continuing faith that God has my back.
Monday morning, I have made a decision on what to do going forward with my time. Number one, I will focus on the many different writing projects that I have. Number two, I will focus the majority of my time improving my skills and writing. Number three, I will also adhere to a strict budget so that I can invest in the things that I want to invest in.
Now that I had a full weekend with the realization that child support has ended, another realization has come through. I never realized how much child support has hampered my life. It hampered me more than actually taking care of my daughter when I had her. It makes me wonder, how I was able to take care of my daughter and her mother with the jobs that I had. Even the month that I had no work.
I've come to the conclusion that it is actually harder to be on child support than it is take care of a child. And when I say that I'm strictly talking about financially. And I know part of the reason Child Support was so hard on me was because when I was put on they used my current salary at the time which was the highest I was ever making in my life. And I only made that type of salary for 2 years before getting fired. I've only reached that salary once more in 6 years.
How fitting would it be if I was able to obtain that salary once more. And there is the decision I'm faced with. I feel like this is a test. Look for a better paying job while work is good or focus on making my business a better one. I feel like I need to continue on the same path. Focus on my creative side. I firmly believe now that is where my riches are at. This is something that I can do and enjoy doing it without no one telling me when and how to do something.
Two days away from officially opening my website. If you're reading this on this day, than you know it's been up for some time. However, the 16th of November will be the day that signify the start of the website and how it looks now, for the most part, will be the look of the website. The other parts of Scripted Imagery such as the website building and the publishing of books have been open since the end of October.
I have my business plans laid out and the plans of future growth laid out. November 16th will also signify the start of those plans. First implementation is this website. Second will be social media. Third will be word of mouth. And fourth will be advertisement.
Some parts of this website may come and go and new features and sections may come as well. Especially this journal section. This section was put in place to open my mind to writing and for those who are following my journey to see a piece of my life and my mind. I have four journals. Each one representing a section of my life and my mind. Going forward however, I might discontinue this section. I haven't completely made up my mind yet.
Well that's it for today. I have some things to think about and some more things to work on.
Let me tell you what I walked in on the day before Thanksgiving. I was served papers asking for an extension on Child Support. I'm just so tired and I'm ready for this to be over. I definitely will not be having any more kids. Don't ever want to go through this again.
I'm proud of my daughter though. She took it upon herself to call Child Support and inquire about the things she can do to not have her get the child support. She didn't have to involve herself yet she did it anyway.
I'm going to move to Tampa and allow my daughter the choice to have a place to move or the choice to stay with her mother. No force, but I will bring up in court that she lied the first time. If my daughter does move with me there should be no need for her to receive child support.
Sometimes I'll use these journals to set my compass straight. Tonight is one of those days that I will do so. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me other than I'm completely frustrated with my plans hitting the shitter. Now I want to write something aggressive, something so disturbing that it makes me feel better. I already have this fuck it attitude that is slowly curing me of this stress. Plus this thinking is what's gonna get me through these next couple of months or longer if need be. But I need some form of release and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna produce some writings in all that I have in here. My journals, poetry, and any other creative spot to write words.
I believe I love "Hate" just as much as I love "Love". I say this because it feels so good when you put this in the atmosphere. It's like dessert, but you know it's not good for you. Everyone experience it, but the best ones shit it out. Tell me a good shit doesn't feel good. I eat it and shit it and that's what I'm bout to do tonight. I'm already feeling better thinking about it.
Sometimes it's just better to be angry.
I did have something to write when I opened this but now I'm a bit speechless. I am listening to Joe "All the Things". You would think this would put me in the mood to write some romance poetry. I just might do so.
I do need to develop a better work habit though. I sometimes sit and dream, no action taken on some days or some hours. I probably need to invest in commercial free music station. I know that was random but I have my head phones on and I'm writing this and a freaking commercial came on. I think I put that on my list.
It was hard for me to get up this morning. I wanted to leave the house around 6:30am but instead I am just leaving now. 8:00am, I guess I'm still on track this morning time wise but I like to have a lot of time my hands. I can't even explain why.
I'm on my way to the courthouse to file these documents so I can contest or actually be there when they are trying to figure out if they should continue the payments of the child support.
As I'm writing this I have a flashback of 2012 and get all upset because the truth really never matters in this world. Especially in the court system. That's how I feel because of how and what had happened back then telling me it doesn't matter what I have. It's all based on what she says. Wish I knew better than or knew what I know now. I'm afraid though that now it doesn't matter.
Vibing on this Saturday evening after watching the 1pm football games. The games weren't going the way I would like them to go so I decided to get on here and write. This is actually more enjoyable, listening to music and jotting words on a program.
I don't even know what I really want to write about. I do know that I just want to not think about it and just let whatever is in my mind come out, without thought.
Life is so much better when you don't think about your troubles or your struggles. Just listening to music, by yourself, dreaming, and just relaxing and chillin. I did pause a minute on the dreaming part, but I left it in there cause your dreams can be anything, like right now, my dreams have me somewhere, I'm not sure where, and I'm not sure if it even exist. What I do know is that I'm not here. No one is bothering me and I'm alone. Peaceful existence in a non-existent place. Almost like playing a video game with no care or worries.
I believe I'm one of those people who can be by themselves and be happy. It's not until recent years that I realized people may need people but I wonder how much realization there is for me to that supposed fact. I battle with that notion that I really need people and more so think people can be more of a burden than any benefit to my well being both mentally and physically.
People's contribution to this earth and to my life though has been very beneficial. I'm listening to music on my headphones and writing my thoughts on laptop while enjoying the voices of artist that produced the music to listen to in these headphones. So in essence, in my last paragraph, we do need people and they contribute much to our life.
I guess what I'll do now is try to contribute to someone's life by working on my novel.
I was writing an angry piece. I couldn't finish. I could waste my time and write such a piece or finish the piece. However, I was very disgusted even given my time to an individual. Literally made me sick. So I might not ever write a piece like that again. I love those type poems, music, and every other creative form. However, I don't like putting perfection into something that I literally can hate. I love the feeling of doing something can potentially piss someone off but not have my thoughts consumed by an individual that really doesn't even exist to me.
So I was writing this piece and could not finish or refuse to finish it. Now I'm just thinking of how to make my situation or more bearable. And, while writing this it came to me. Do shit that I enjoy. Have fun. And never speak to that bitch again! I know I have to see her one last time in court because she taking me back to court to extend the child support that I should never had to pay in the first place but it was in God's plan to bring me to this point that I am now. I have to believe this too. Plus I will never figure out, if it's not this way. So for the purposes of my sanity, God had a plan and this was in it. Now to make sure I do my part I have to continue on this path that I have chosen. This path that I'm driven to do.
This piece that I won't finish did awake the love of being angry and out of control. So I will create more stories with this type of character and amplify it. Maybe make it part of this new thing that I will be adding to the site. Speaking of this new thing, I guess I'll introduce it in this journal date December 17th. I had an idea last night. Create a spot where I'm just writing random scenes. So there will be love scenes, romantic scenes, murder scenes, and fight scenes. Pretty much anything I can think of.
So many emotions right now! I was so angry this morning. Angry through out the day! Then something amazing happened. My daughter got accepted into Bethune Cookman! Then in an instant my mood changed, my attitude did as well! So many pleasurable thoughts came in and so many memories came as well. A letter that I wrote to a now ex-girl friend that I currently have relations with. Nothing makes sense but still, this day can't get any better! Well actually it can but I'll sit here and appreciate the success my daughter is having and what she could possibly be feeling. Any way I just wanted to stop in and let you all know and jot in this journal the many moods of a Scorpio Male on Child support.
Sometimes I wonder what decision will be the decision that will fuck me up forever. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing to much thinking and not enough trusting. What is it that I want. The more important thing is, the decision I'm about to make, what is the affect that it will have on the other things in my life.
I'm losing money through having to pay back child support. Also, I'm about to have a $1,000 rent payment. I'm crying right now. Oh I have a story, and I'll will release, just not sure through what form of media right now. I'm going to do it because I'm ready to get everything off my chest. I'm shedding a lot of shit in 2019. Poverty and every other negative shit getting dumped. I'm going to have to remove some parts of my business and some technologies won't be able to be used but I will have peace of mind if I do make this move. If I work it right my business can pay for itself in 2019 and 2020. I just gotta do this shit right.
A few things that I don't understand
Entered the New Year with having a new place to move into. Also had a few conversations about my love life in my late years. This got me to thinking that either people have no clue about other people life or they are on to something. This makes me more curious now to see if they are right or if I'm right. I think I'll be fine and won't feel what lonely is all about.
Chances are the way I'm built, I won't have anyone in my late years. There won't be anyone looking after me and there won't be anyone I am able to hang with.
I see my mom has her sister and I see my sister has her kids. I see my father has his kids. Me, I'll have no one to care for me. And that's probably for the best. This will give me a chance to test out my theory about not needing anyone and going out peacefully.
I still wish my fantasy would come true about me being able to shout out to people on my death bed. Knowing I'm about to croak and be like, "Peace! To all my friends and family. I'm going to see God and I'll ask him if I can send any post cards or anything just to let you know that I seen him!" Back to my late years though. I figure I will be some old bat telling stories to anyone who would listen. Reminiscing on my past life and shit. Probably some old pervert too.
I had a very disappointing day yesterday. To be exact, over the last week and a half, it has been very disappointing. I haven't done anything with Scripted Imagery or with any of my writings, including working on my novel. Plus, I have had so many ideas that didn't even get implemented or written down. This is on top of missing the first 2 weeks of January because of this move and finding any other excuse to not put in the work.
I was determined today to get some things done. For the most part I'm actually working. So tonight was, is, a success.
I have to go harder than I'm going though. I need to put in extra work. Resist the temptation to want to stray from my actual purpose. We'll see tonight exactly how much I get done. So much is needed and time really doesn't exist in what I'm doing but I do feel the pressure of time.
Step number 1, I wanted to get something into my journal. So I can check that off my list. I wanted to put myself in front of a camera. I've done this as well. I wrote a poem yesterday. I might try and write a poem a day. And publish them all. Whether I like it or not. I also want to make sure I get a blog in, maybe twice a week. Maybe a blog about my poetry and how I feel about it. Might blog about my past as well.
I started this Journal in January. So that means for at least 7 months I have had this site, trying to fill it with content. I'm not pleased with my work and at times I'm ready to give up because I don't have the necessary tools to make it more comfortable for me to be creative and add things to this site.
There are things that I want to do. There are things that I need to do. And there are barriers that are popping up all the time. I'm so ready for success but at times I do not feel strong enough to break through these barriers or even weather the conditions.
As far as writing novels. That shit is hard as hell to me. Keeping my confidence is the number one thing I fight against losing. Right now it feels like, I either push or die. It's the only thing that keeps me writing. I feel the pressure to do so. In all my life I never felt the pressure as much as I feel it now.
Faith is the most comforting thing to me now. Anytime I feel like everything is failing or ending, I think about God and giving it to him. Just write and let go. No worries, just go and do it.
I'm here ready to write but I don't know where to begin. Thinking of my future and I'm lost. I'm not sure where to go. I'm listening to music for inspiration but it's not working. Entered a couple of social media sites but still nothing.
I'm not sure if I want to write about sex, death, or just being creative with a short story. I'm legit lost. I don't know what to do.
In all honesty, I just want to relax and listen to music. But I can't because I'm stuck in poverty and I need to be productive. I need to create content for my website. I need to continue to work until I find that one thing that will bring me out of this financial death trap.
I have a lot to learn. A lot of things that need to happen for this to turn into some sort of success. Was just thinking the other day of the things that are limiting me. I can't allow feelings to disrupt my path. My feelings or anyone else feelings.
Music is my greatest inspiration to write. It's probably the number one thing that gets me ready to write. This week is especially great since last week was the start to a new me. Now music takes on a different role for me. I used to just listen and write. Listen and relax. Listen and reminisce. But now I listen and receive the inspiration that it fills me with.
On another note, this will be the last entry before this starts over again. I will be moving these post to an archive folder. Also, I'm going to teach myself java so I can do more with my websites. I'm also thinking about adding more creative things. I might even start selling things. Just not sure what I'm doing at this point but I am realizing I'm gravitating to the entertainment business. We'll see exactly how I do this year. 2019 supposed to be that year. I believe it will be.
I have focus and my lower living means right now is becoming more comfortable yet motivating to get the fuck out of here. What I like about these journals is that I don't have to be perfect in my writing and I can get my thoughts down. I don't have to worry about the aesthetics of these post. The purpose is to write because I enjoy doing so and I enjoy sharing different mindsets.
